“It is Finished”: Remembering Why

My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?
Why are you so far from saving me, from the words of my groaning?
O my God, I cry by day, but you do not answer,
and by night, but I find no rest.

I remember it well: October 12, 2006. This was the day I had had enough. I was an idealistic 20 year old who thought I had my life together, but in reality I had run myself into the ground attempting to look like I had my life together. The word, “No” was not in my vocabulary. My commitments and obligations to church, work, family, friends, and school had taken their toll on my body and caused me to have a nervous breakdown.  I literally came smashing through my parents door, sobbed for about 45 minutes, completely unable to move from the floor.  When I was relatively able to control myself I drove to my pastor’s wife and asked her to pray for me.

#52: Come With A Plan

I wanted to publish this post earlier this week, but as I began drafting it, I realized that I was about to give advice that I hadn’t taken myself.

Truths often come in pairs, and in some ways this post is a counterpoint to the previous one. We spoke last time of doing the next right thing–focusing on the daily right actions that eventually become our habits and lifestyles. Now we’ll talk about giving those actions a framework and a direction.

The problem, though, is that sometimes I stink at planning. As I started writing this post, I realized that even with this blog, the lack of a plan is evident (once upon a time, we posted 3x per week. At this point, our previous post was 27 days ago). I tend to have lofty goals, and for the most part my plan to attain those goals looks like this:

1. Come up with Lofty Goal–for example starting a blog, which will eventually turn into a book, which will then turn into a ministry empire.
2. Think of a cool theme for the blog–for example, the quirks of living life after returning from the mission field.
3. Make note-to-self to write a groundbreaking blog post on Monday.
4. Get distracted by Facebook. Write the post on Tuesday instead.
5. Tuesday didn’t work. Maybe next weekend?
6. Forget about it until my wife reminds me that I once had a Lofty Goal. Think for a bit about what a great idea it was. Return to Facebook.

I’m sure none of you can relate. I expect that the majority of you never suffer from procrastination or a lack of direction. But just in case one or two of you are like me (yeah, I see that hand in the back row!), here’s my little piece of encouragement: come with a plan.

I’ve mentioned here before that I hope to eventually run a home recording studio. Since returning from the mission field, that’s been one of my major goals. The greatest single step toward that goal was an apprenticeship I did in 2012 at a pro studio in Hollywood. The program that introduced me to my mentor involved unstructured time observing recording sessions with clients, but it also had a curriculum, lessons, and tests. There was structure. There was a plan.

Honestly, after the program was over, I was far less structured than I probably should have been. Yes, life happened–our son and then our daughter were born, we moved to a new state, and there were several day jobs in-between. Still, even in the midst of all that, I honestly think that a more concrete plan would have helped me move closer to the goal than I currently am.

Recently I took part in an online challenge to write, record, and release a song in one month. The thing that struck me about this challenge was that each week had several small, attainable goals. Even as I took the challenge on, I didn’t think I’d really finish. But as I pushed myself to meet the smaller goals (i.e. the next right thing within this framework), I started to see the project coming together. At the end of the month, to my surprise, I had done it. I had actually finished a task.

Staring at a blank page, or an empty resumé, or a zero-balance bank account, or the rest of your life, is always daunting, especially to someone like me who’s not a “finisher.” And, of all the potholes in the re-entry process, this issue has derailed more people than almost any other. One of the most common things I hear from missionaries when they return is “I have no idea what to do with myself.” Trust me, I know how that feels.

Proverbs 29:18 begins by saying, “Where there is no vision, the people are unrestrained.” The King James Version even says they perish. There has to be a vision to point our Next Right Things in a meaningful direction. Creating a plan is a practical way of translating those steps into a fulfilled vision. Sharing your plan can also help to bring accountability into the picture; you’ve stated that you intend to do something, and you want people to hold you to it.

There are about a quadrillion books on the subject of planning, most of them are business-oriented, and most of them are about as exciting as watching paint dry. The better ones all talk about setting measurable, attainable, and time-based goals. One of the things I learned in my recent song challenge was that putting a timer on myself actually helped me to get things done.

One lesson I’ve learned in my six years in Re-entry is that God can work just as effectively–arguably even more so–through many small moments as He can through a few big ones. We have these mountaintop experiences, and they give us a glimpse of the big picture, but most of the real work of the Kingdom is done through living our everyday lives in a way that’s pleasing to Him. The significance of the big moments is that they give us something to work toward in the small ones. Mountaintops help to establish our vision; they show us where we need to go. Creating a plan, and keeping it submitted to the Lord, can help us blaze the trail to actually get there.

#51: The Next Right Thing

My friend Casey is really good with one-liners. Not the overly clever or boisterous or dirty kind of one-liners, but rather the ones that stick with you and make you think a bit. One of his lines goes something like, “You don’t always have to save the world right away. You just have to do the next right thing.”

Okay, Casey tells me that this line actually came from another ministry, but I heard it from him, so this time he gets the credit.

I often feel like doing anything less than spectacular is worthless. This is simply untrue. In my years of re-entry, I’ve learned that my life isn’t changed by big moments as much as it is by small ones. With the benefit of hindsight, I can see that in the last few years, I’ve amassed a decent collection of Next Right Things.

Of course, the big “aha” moments are important as well. They serve to remind us of the purpose behind the right decisions we make every day, and sometimes they can even clue us in as to what the Next Right Thing could be. But they don’t define us. Those little things that we do every day, our habits which lead to lifestyles–Those things end up shaping our destinies.

#50: Big Z, Small Beginnings

The first Christmas party I ever hosted was disastrous. I took half the day off work to get things ready for the soiree. I figured that would give me enough time to shop, clean, bake, decorate, and get myself ready before the first guests arrived precisely at 6 o’clock. Reality, however, was quite different.

I ended up having to go to several grocery stores, multiple items I planned on baking never made it into the oven, the fondue didn’t cook properly, and I didn’t get out of the shower until after our first guests arrived. Not to mention I had planned for about 25 people (most of whom had RSVP-ed), only 5 showed up, and one of them because Ben called and said there was chocolate covered bacon.

I was a rejected mess: the party I had put so much time, effort, and money into had failed.

But, sure enough, the next fall I began my preparations for another Christmas party. I decided to scale it down, de-fancify, and lower my expectations. Guess what? Five people came. And there wasn’t even chocolate covered bacon.

You would think that after two seemingly failed attempts to host a party I would throw in the towel, but I did no such thing. For our third party, I revamped my outlook, decided to have an open house, and continued to plan even though the fear of rejection once again was very, very close at hand. I sent out numerous invitations, hoping to at least double my previous years guests and had about 45 people show up over a span of 5 hours in our 800 sq foot apartment.

Had I given up after my botched first attempt at hosting, I never would have realized that I was capable of much more than my experience had told me.

Zerubbabel  was more than just a cool name.  He led the first group of Jews back to Israel from their Babylonian captivity and under his rule, the second temple was built. He is mentioned in multiple books in the Bible and is even part of Jesus’ lineage! He was kind of a big deal.

Zechariah 4:6-10 (NLT) speaks about this rock star:

“Then he said to me, “This is what the Lord says to Zerubbabel: It is not by force nor by strength, but by my Spirit, says the Lord of Heaven’s Armies. Nothing, not even a mighty mountain, will stand in Zerubbabel’s way; it will become a level plain before him! And when Zerubbabel sets the final stone of the Temple in place, the people will shout: ‘May God bless it! May God bless it!’”

Then another message came to me from the Lord: “Zerubbabel is the one who laid the foundation of this Temple, and he will complete it. Then you will know that the Lord of Heaven’s Armies has sent me. Do not despise these small beginnings, for the Lord rejoices to see the work begin, to see the plumb line in Zerubbabel’s hand.”

The Lord said that nothing would be able to stand in Zerubbabel’s way; what a great promise!  But, it is important to remember that, like his kinsman, Big Z started out as a no name captive. Just like the temple had to start out with just one stone, Z started out with a small beginning of his own, and yet is advised to not disregard those humble beginnings.

As a young,fresh off the field twenty-four year old, the world was at my fingertips. I was recently engaged to the man of my dreams, on a spiritual high from my time in missions, and ready to receive everything that God had placed in my heart for my life. I fully intended on all that to happen right away. I had expected that by the time I was 30 (which will happen this April), I would own my own successful coffee shop, have a book or two published , and have a house constantly filled with guests.

Six years down the line, my life has looked very, very different…

For  several years I dreamed with God about someday opening a ministry-focused coffee shop. This passion converged all of my strengths, talents, dreams, and seemed to be a seamless fit for my life and God’s Kingdom. While the passion still exists, the dream, however,  has shifted along with my priorities. It has morphed into a more supportive role within Ben’s ministry, still eventually involving coffee, and the leading role as our family’s homemaker and caretaker.

My world is now very small, my ministry focused on my family, and hopes have become more grounded in God’s word (i.e. realistic). Even though there are some days when I wish all my grandiose dreams had come to pass, I am now content with the way my life has turned out and the path I seem to be on. In fact, I wouldn’t change it at all.

I am not saying that all the big plans I had for myself as a 20-something year old won’t happen, in fact I would still welcome them with open arms, but I know that God has a plan for me and my seemingly small present. I have learned to not despise these little moments that have turned into years of “insignificance”, but accept that even in my obscurity, I am right where I need to be.

Sometimes we get so focused on what’s ahead that we fail to see how God is at work right where we are. I have an amazing husband and marriage. My kids are healthy, well behaved, and adorable. I have a fantastic family, friends, and yes, even in-laws. I am in a position to serve others in a capacity I have never been in before. My relationship with God and understanding of His creation is consistently growing, strengthening, and being challenged.

I may have small beginnings, but they are good ones. Just like my paltry first Christmas party, God is still reminding me to not give up, to keep trying, and eventually I’ll have a house full of guests.

Maybe, just maybe, He wants to remind you of that too.

 

#49: Ten Gifts for the Re-Entering Missionary in Your Life

In case you hadn’t noticed, Christmas time is here.

For some, the month of December can be quite overwhelming. Personally, I love this time of year more than just about any other. Decorating, cutting down a tree, shopping, and Christmas parties are all part of the fun, so I find the commentary about the craziness of Christmas to be a little Scroogey.

Still, sometimes it can be tricky to find just the right gift for some of the folks in your life. This is especially true if you hang out with a bunch of people who are happy with just about anything (read: returning missionaries, who are often used to going without, or may even be altogether unaware of the latest hip thing). Choosy people know what they want, and it’s usually expensive. Contented folks, on the other hand… well, you have to guess. Which is why we have decided to take out all the guesswork for you.

Here are ten things your returning missionary will love, guaranteed. And yes, this list is definitive.

Selah Grace

Earlier today I was busying myself with something when I heard Adelaide start to fuss. I went over to put her pacifier back in her mouth so I could get on with my work, but she immediately spit it out and smiled at me. This little girl’s smile is radiant, her entire face sparkles; enamored, I stopped what I was doing and smiled back. We stayed there for a good ten minutes simply exchanging smiles. Eventually, I moved on and when I came back to her, she had fallen asleep.

In those few precious moments we had together, I couldn’t help but think how innocent this precious soul is. She knows nothing of hate, fear, or destruction. She hasn’t experienced pain, loss, or sorrow. She doesn’t know about terrorist attacks, the refugee crisis, or mass shootings. In the twelve weeks of her life, all she has ever known is love.

I stopped and thought “And God said that it was good.” and realized that at that very moment I was experiencing creation as God intended. Full of grace. Pure. Undefiled. Innocent. Beautiful. Good.

Due to various circumstances, and the requirement of sleep, we haven’t written much lately. In the last several months it seems like the world has become a much worse place and at times it has been easy to get caught up in all the negativity that is going on and forget what as Christians we are called to do: bring about the Kingdom of God. I know that I have fallen prey to thinking that the evil in this world is inescapable and too colossal of a task to overcome.

While this task seems insurmountable, we do know how we can help make this happen. As a community of mission minded people we understand the “Go” part better than most, but I am starting to realize more and more the importance of simply being.

Last week, we traveled to New Mexico to spend Thanksgiving with my family. We had a mere 16 people as opposed to the 79 at my husband’s side of the family, but with 8 kids in one house, things still got a little hectic. My oldest niece’s name is Selah Grace. Selah is a musical term believed to mean ‘to pause and reflect’. My niece’s name is a constant reminder to pause and reflect grace. Just try shouting that in frustration!

Pause and reflect grace. What does that mean in the midst of a world in chaos and the inevitable hustle and bustle of this time of year? How do we maintain the importance of being still to know that God is God when so many things are vying for our constant attention?

My best answer to this is Psalm 37, and while it is a little unusual for us to post such a large piece of scripture, these words of David speak this truth better than I ever could. I invite you to take some time to pause and reflect on these words.

Fret not yourself because of evildoers;
    be not envious of wrongdoers!
 For they will soon fade like the grass
    and wither like the green herb.

Trust in the Lord, and do good;
    dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness.
Delight yourself in the Lord,
    and he will give you the desires of your heart.

Commit your way to the Lord;
    trust in him, and he will act.
He will bring forth your righteousness as the light,
    and your justice as the noonday.

Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him;
    fret not yourself over the one who prospers in his way,
    over the man who carries out evil devices!

Refrain from anger, and forsake wrath!
    Fret not yourself; it tends only to evil.
For the evildoers shall be cut off,
    but those who wait for the Lord shall inherit the land.

In just a little while, the wicked will be no more;
    though you look carefully at his place, he will not be there.
But the meek shall inherit the land
    and delight themselves in abundant peace.

The wicked plots against the righteous
    and gnashes his teeth at him,
but the Lord laughs at the wicked,
    for he sees that his day is coming.

The wicked draw the sword and bend their bows
    to bring down the poor and needy,
    to slay those whose way is upright;
their sword shall enter their own heart,
    and their bows shall be broken.

Better is the little that the righteous has
    than the abundance of many wicked.
For the arms of the wicked shall be broken,
    but the Lord upholds the righteous.

The Lord knows the days of the blameless,
    and their heritage will remain forever;
they are not put to shame in evil times;
    in the days of famine they have abundance.

But the wicked will perish;
    the enemies of the Lord are like the glory of the pastures;
    they vanish—like smoke they vanish away.

The wicked borrows but does not pay back,
    but the righteous is generous and gives;
for those blessed by the Lord shall inherit the land,
    but those cursed by him shall be cut off.

The steps of a man are established by the Lord,
    when he delights in his way;
though he fall, he shall not be cast headlong,
    for the Lord upholds his hand.

I have been young, and now am old,
    yet I have not seen the righteous forsaken
    or his children begging for bread.
He is ever lending generously,
    and his children become a blessing.

Turn away from evil and do good;
    so shall you dwell forever.
For the Lord loves justice;
    he will not forsake his saints.
They are preserved forever,
    but the children of the wicked shall be cut off.
The righteous shall inherit the land
    and dwell upon it forever.

The mouth of the righteous utters wisdom,
    and his tongue speaks justice.
The law of his God is in his heart;
    his steps do not slip.

The wicked watches for the righteous
    and seeks to put him to death.
The Lord will not abandon him to his power
    or let him be condemned when he is brought to trial.

Wait for the Lord and keep his way,
    and he will exalt you to inherit the land;
    you will look on when the wicked are cut off.

I have seen a wicked, ruthless man,
    spreading himself like a green laurel tree.
But he passed away, and behold, he was no more;
    though I sought him, he could not be found.

Mark the blameless and behold the upright,
    for there is a future for the man of peace.
But transgressors shall be altogether destroyed;
    the future of the wicked shall be cut off.

The salvation of the righteous is from the Lord;
    he is their stronghold in the time of trouble.
The Lord helps them and delivers them;
    he delivers them from the wicked and saves them,
    because they take refuge in him.

I encourage every one of you to take some time today, pause, and reflect grace. If you need an innocent, radiant baby smile to help you do that, I can help you out!

 

#47: “Life Is Pretty Good, But I Still Feel Kinda Lost…”

Have you ever felt like you lost the plot to your own life?

Every so often, I find myself in an in-between state. One major event or project or transition has been completed, or is at least mostly underway, and I find myself needing to know where to go next. Life feels fragmented, like a series of happenings without a unifying thread. I don’t know where I’m going, and it’s incredibly unnerving when that happens.

I’m the kind of person that always wants to know what’s coming next. For me, it’s not even so much a matter of control as it is of direction. I don’t need to be in charge of everything, but I do tend to want to know where I’m going.

#46: A Lesson in Grace from an Inquisitive Monkey

Today was a Monday.

From two year old tantrums, to six week old  incessant cries, poop in the bathtub, drawing on the desk, forgetting things,4 hours of interrupted sleep, banged heads(mine), and dealing with insurance, today was most definitely a Monday.

So tonight we had takeout with money we don’t we have. Sorry Dave Ramsey, and my thighs, but today was a Monday.

Our son loves watching Curious George. He asks to “Watch George” near daily. Lately, whenever his beloved primate show turns to the credits he starts to cry. Today, however, he didn’t just cry; he screamed and threw one of the biggest tantrums I have seen in a while.

We’ve been trying to teach Levi that his actions have consequences, so after he calmed down, I had a little talk with him. I told him that he wasn’t going to be able to watch George for a few days because of his behavior. I asked him if he understood why and his response caught me off guard.